There’s a point where you start looking for cameras. You lift paintings on the walls, check to see if mirrors are just one-way and carefully examine every electronic device and pinhole, looking for that digital video recorder that will let you know, in no uncertain terms, that you are being publicly pranked to the delight of a basic cable audience. In the case of the 2015-16 San Francisco 49ers, that craving to see Ashton Kutcher or Ellen Degeneres pop out from behind a fake cabinet wall and point to a camera inside Jim Tomsula’s lapel pin just isn’t going to happen. Yes, 49ers fans. This is a nightmare made real. You will not wake up from this.
The difference in coaching ability from Jim Harbaugh to Jim Tomsula may not be measurable using conventional math. We need to look beyond that, into imaginary numbers, integers, cross-dimensional figures, that tesseract thing from the end of Interstellar. You take all that and maybe, just maybe you can calculate the drop-off from Harbaugh, who took this team to three straight NFC Championships and a Super Bowl, to Tomsula, who got lost for 45 minutes on Highway 101 because he missed the turn off on the way to Shoney’s.
Here is Friday’s impromptu press conference from the brain trust.
Colin @Kaepernick7, Jim Tomsula, @VernonDavis85 and @ABethea41 shared offseason updates.http://t.co/w6guXbCWCB pic.twitter.com/pqRc9wCMGp
— San Francisco 49ers (@49ers) April 10, 2015
That guy on the far left. God help you, that’s your quarterback. If you’ve never once seen a man wearing a flat-billed cap and thought, “that guy looks smart,” none to fear. You still haven’t. If you take a moment to watch the first 20 seconds of the video accompanying that tweet, I think you’ll agree. Tomsula has an unrivaled command of the English language.
Tomsula was an obvious choice for Harbaugh’s successor, since he’s been such a hot coaching prospect after joining the team as its defensive line coach in 2007. Since then Tomsula has been the defensive line coach. For seven years. With no promotion or advancement in that span even though the team has hired and fired three different head coaches over that same period. Tomsula was such a quality defensive line coach that no other team dared offer him a better job as a defensive coordinator or head coach in that time frame. They knew he wouldn’t take it. Coaching the defensive line for the 49ers under Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary was just too … something. I can’t find the word.
There’s reason for hope, of course. Tomsula is probably one of the Top 1,231 coaches to come out of NFL Europe, which is also where he had his only previous head coaching experience. He was hired to run the 2006 Berlin Rhein Fire and promptly led them to their third consecutive postseason non-appearance.
https://twitter.com/49ersSupporters/status/583038723631222784
When looking at the 49ers defense, you’ve got to be excited. It’s as if the entire season suddenly hinges on whether or not defensive end Justin Smith will officially retire. And considering that he had a whopping 28 tackles and five sacks last season, it would be quite a blow. Oh, and forget about losing one of the best linebackers in your team’s history to church. I’m sure Patrick Willis would have retired anyway, even if Jim Harbaugh had stayed. Same for rookie linebacker Chris Borland who piled up 107 tackles last season. He probably would have been just as eager to get his realtor business going in Kettering, Ohio if the man who drafted him hadn’t been shoved out the door for the long lost Howard brother.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZZOxeGgGr4
On defense, where do I begin? NaVorro Bowman is coming back to play for a defense run by Eric Mangini after being coached most of his career by Vic Fangio. The good news for the Mangini-ous, in addition to Bowman and free agent defensive end Darnell Dockett both returning from major injuries, is one of your big free agent signings, cornerback Shareece Wright, leads the NFL in pass interference penalties for the last three seasons. I don’t see how that will be a problem.
Offensive coordinator Geep Chryst has even more toys to work with like Jarryd Hayne, a running back that has never held a football in his life, Jerome Simpson, who is as likely to be in jail as on the field on Sept. 13, and Reggie Bush, who brings his Kardashian-infused weapons-grade Chlamydia to the team’s ice tub. Maybe you guys want to invest in some rubber shorts.
If you listed the 10 best San Francisco 49ers players on last year’s roster, seven of them are gone. But that’s OK. Somebody’s got to step aside and make room for acquisitions like offensive lineman Erik Pears, ranked as the third worst guard in the National Football League by Pro Football Focus. He literally received a -25.0 grade.
Things are definitely going to be different in San Francisco, or Santa Clara as it were. On the bright side at least, crashes like yours don’t happen that often. And because of that it’s our duty to bear witness to your historic fall from the heavens. You’ve worked so hard to earn it.
