Lo there do I see my father....

Antonio Cromartie Continues World Domination Plan

It’s really the only explanation that makes sense at this point. NFL free agent cornerback Antonio Cromartie is attempting to take over the world by populating it with his own children. His nefarious plan became clear to me after he and wife Terricka posted they were expecting their sixth child together, Cromartie’s 14th child overall, on Instagram.

You are right to gasp aloud.

Cromartie now has enough children to sink a lifeboat and this one apparently came to fruition after the man tried in vain to cut off his kid-making supply with a useless vasectomy. So the die is cast. His plan unfolding before our very eyes. Before long you won’t be able to step outside your own home without tripping over a Cromartie child. They will be everywhere. And they are mobile.

I spend my days trying to catch him taking his 1st steps. It's such a special moment and I'm loving every bit of it @jynxrevell 10 months old

A post shared by TERRICKA CROMARTIE ๐Ÿ’‹ (@iluvterricka) on

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Genghis Khan lived from 1162-1227. Khan was one of the greatest military commanders in all of history and created the Mongol Empire, encompassing pretty much all of Asia and most of the Middle East. Genghis and his brothers loved conquering a lot, but their favorite thing about it was impregnating all the women they could along the way. Hopefully all of them were willing participants, but, you know, most probably weren’t.

Khan once said, “The greatest joy for a man is to defeat his enemies, to drive them before him, to take from them all they possess, to see those they love in tears, to ride their horses and to hold their wives and daughters in his arms.”

Because of his prolific doing of “it,” there are a shit-ton of direct descendants of Genghis Khan running around the world today. How many? How about 0.5 percent of the world’s population. That’s about 16 million people living today. That’s about the population of Ecuador. Or the populations of Georgia and Tennessee combined.

So the game Cromartie is running is an ancient one, but I see through his baby announcements and proclamations to what they truly are. The first assault in a genetic recoding of the human race in his own image. The gauntlet has been tossed.

LeGarrette Blount joins Philadelphia Eagles

Though the New England Patriots made a last-ditch effort to keep him, free agent running back LeGarrette Blount will be taking his talents to the city of brotherly love. Blount signed a one-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles Wednesday that will pay him as much a $2.8 million.

Blount had a couple of serious suitors outside New England and Philly. The New York Giants and Arizona Cardinals both had offers on the table, but were beaten out by the Eagles.

Signing Blount likely spells the end for Ryan Matthews in Philadelphia. Matthews is due $4 million this season.

Blount led the NFL with 18 rushing touchdowns last season to go with his 299 carries and 1,161 yards on the ground.

All charges against Caleb Brantley dismissed

It didn’t keep Florida defensive tackle Caleb Brantley from getting drafted, but it did cost him money. Brantley will at least get to put it all behind him as all battery charges against him were dismissed Wednesday.

Brantley was accused of punching a woman and knocking her unconscious in Gainesville, Fla. A claim that didn’t hold up to even the slightest scrutiny or witness testimony, not to mention the video evidence available. Brantley was still drafted by the Cleveland Browns in the sixth round and will get to have the NFL career he earned on the field. He will miss out on a couple million bucks, though, thanks to his accuser’s grab for cash.

“I’m grateful for today’s ruling,” Brantley said in a statement. “I won’t take the opportunity the Browns have given me for granted and now I can shift all my focus on working hard to make this football team while also showing my teammates, coaches, the organization and this community the type of person I really am.”

In other Browns news, the team signed former Tennessee Titans cornerback Jason McCourty to a two-year, $6 million deal Wednesday with $2 million guaranteed. McCourty had 67 tackles season, one fumble recovery, 12 passes defended and two interceptions.

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About Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a sportswriter, photographer and humorist. You can email him (and you should) at adamgreenetfm@gmail.com

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