Britt McHenry makes a new friend at a towing company.

Britt McHenry’s Helpful Weight Loss and Hygiene Tips

When your kids are little, you tell them lies all the time. You tell them Santa Claus is going to bring them Christmas presents if they’re good, that the tooth fairy is leaving money under their pillow and that monsters aren’t real. Eventually, as a parent, you have to confess to lying about the first two, but the monsters lie, that’s one kids learn all on their own.

Maybe if you show them this video of ESPN’s Britt McHenry berating a tow truck company cashier, they’ll at least be prepared for when they meet one in their own real life. Perhaps it’ll make the revelation that their dog didn’t go to live on a farm upstate and that you can’t really pull a quarter from their ear easier to take.

The first thing to understand about this video is that tow truck companies don’t just tow your car for no reason. They legally can’t. You have to break the law by parking your vehicle in a spot where it’s not supposed to be. There are only so many places you can get your car towed for parking and every one of them make you a horrible human being. If a parking meter runs out, you’ll just get a ticket. If you park in a handicap space, block an exit, park in front of a fire hydrant or double-park in the road causing a traffic hazard, you get towed.

So keep that in mind before you click on the video below, because McHenry’s human face had already fallen off to reveal the reptilian creature beneath before she even walked into that office.

The second thing to understand is that McHenry didn’t get her job because of the journalism degree from Northwestern she waves in front of the tow truck clerk’s face. It wasn’t because she graduated magna cum laude from Stetson University. It’s because she looks like a Hooter’s waitress and networks like to put doable blondes on the sideline of sporting events.

Anybody else overcome with the urge to get some hot wings?
McHenry’s actions led ESPN to suspend her for a week

McHenry’s only real piece of journalism was a widely discredited report about the Redskins players and Robert Griffin III last season that head coach Jay Gruden called out as “amateurish” from the podium and that every D.C.-area beat reporter said was a steaming pile.

After the video leaked, ESPN suspended McHenry for a week so Bryce Harper should probably just mute his phone for the next seven days unless he wants to hear every chirp from 4,000 drunk texts.

McHenry, trying in vain to adjust her human skin mask, released an apology on Twitter because that’s the kind of thing humans do sometimes when they’re lame.

McHenry walks into the tow truck office with something I like to call with all the moxie and bravado of a person who has never once been punched in the face. The fact that the clerk doesn’t give her a cobra kick to the pie-hole halfway through makes her a candidate for sainthood. She even warns McHenry she’s being recorded, but the top-knotted blonde demon bitch will not be deterred by any recording device.

“I’m in the news, sweetheart,” she says through her mouth-like orifice. “I will f—ing sue this place. That’s why I have a degree and you don’t. I wouldn’t work at a scumbag place like this. Makes my skin crawl even being here.”

She doesn’t specify the type of skin, but I’m betting what’s under that fake layer is covered in scales and Lovecraftian boils. The clerk then says that she’ll try to get McHenry out of there quickly. For some reason, this pisses her off even more.

“Yep that’s all you care about is just taking people’s money,” McHenry says through a very convincing mammalian oral area. “With no education, no skill set, just wanted to clarify that. Do you feel good about your job? So I could be a college dropout and do the same thing? Why, cause I have a brain and you don’t? Maybe if I was missing some teeth they would hire me, huh?”

At this point the only funny thing on the tape happens. The clerk, still showing the restraint of an angel, says, “You’d have to get your roots done up a bit.” The woman behind McHenry loses it. As she should have. McHenry’s plastic face completely melts off at that point.

“Oh, like yours? Cause they look so stunning,” McHenry says through her now fully reptilian facial cloaca. “Cause I’m on television and you’re in a f—ing trailer, honey. Lose some weight, baby girl.”

McHenry then storms out of the office to get her vehicle and drive home to her heated rock or rejuvenating pool of slime or under the bridge where she will angrily concoct a new set of riddles for the next three Billy goats that try to cross it. She’ll have a whole week to come up with some good ones.

About Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a sportswriter, photographer and humorist. You can email him (and you should) at adamgreenetfm@gmail.com

About Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a sportswriter, photographer and humorist. You can email him (and you should) at adamgreenetfm@gmail.com

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