Thursday, June 21, 2018
And their faces are so damn punchable too.

Somebody Please Punch Chris Brown in the Face

It was a dream that seemed to be made manifest a few months ago when it was announced that the public beef between Soulja Boy and Chris Brown would end in a bout of fisticuffs. The two men would settle their differences with the old Marquess of Queensbury rules and a right round of pugilism would be enjoyed by one and all via Floyd Mayweather Promotions on Pay-Per-View. Mainly, we all wanted the chance to see Chris Brown get punched in the pie hole. Alas, it was not to be.

Last week Brown backed out of the pay-per-view bout even though the more we all learned about what was actually going to happen, the more a load of bullshit it became. First off, the fight was just going to be three rounds. Neither of these douchebags could put a hurt on another grown man in that short a period of time. Hell, the fact that Soulja Boy (aka DeAndre Cortez Way) is even a human male was going to cause Brown all sorts of problems when it came to putting fist to jawline.

You can be forgiven if you have no idea who either of these clowns are. Frankly, I barely know who Soulja Boy is and, ironically, would still be unable to identify him out of a police line up. So it’s a good thing I wasn’t one of the witnesses involved when Mr. Boy was sited for two counts of felony gun possession back in December. S.B. was busted at his house with a Draco AR-15, an illegal assault rifle in California. You may recognize “Draco” as the name of Soulja Boy’s new album if you are nothing at all like me and share none of my musical tastes.

Evidently on said album, Soulja threatens a guy named “Quavo” with said Draco assault rifle and I’m not even going to bother Googling that guy. There’s only so far down the rabbit hole I’m willing to get.

But let’s get back to Chris Brown being a huge pussy.

Brown, facing three whole rounds of boxing against a man with arms that look like discarded bagel bag twist ties, decided that he was suddenly above the fray. He would not be boxing Soulja Boy in a box, with a fox, in a car, at a bar or in Dubai, which is where I think it was actually going to happen.

Brown originally challenged S.B to the fight with a $1 million purse over social media because Soulja Boy apparently posted “heart eyes” on Karreuche Tran’s instagram. Tran was Brown’s ex girlfriend and he didn’t take too kindly to someone giving her any type of cartoon eyes at all. Not when he’s so good at giving women black ones.

(By the way, you’ll have a lot more fun googling Karreuche Tran than checking out any other part of this stupid story.)

#KAEPOP – Kae lip pencil + Lychee Me sheer gloss

A post shared by karrueche (@karrueche) on

Of course, it won’t surprise you that Tran is currently asking for a permanent restraining order against Brown for threatening her on multiple occasions. Please remember that, maybe, when he comes out with that sick summer jam in May. He’s a piece of shit. Stop giving him your money.

Brown explained his sudden pussification thusly.

“The opportunity to embarrass and do harm to (Soulja Boy) isn’t even funny anymore,” he wrote on Instagram. “I backed out of the public fight because the money/location and the fact that the real promoters were spooked by ‘GANGMEMBERS’ who wanted to profit off of it. No charity and no point in going through with it.”

There you have it. It was Brown’s charitable soul that caused him to back out. Not a sudden, yellow streak appearing at the base of his skull, running down his back and over both ass cheeks.

Let me apologize first for what I’m about to show you. I don’t follow “the rap.” I don’t listen to the “hippity hoppity” and have no idea what is common at the concert venues where such “rap” is performed. Here’s what I do know and now you will know too. When Soulja Boy called out Chris Brown’s nutless cowardice, he’s standing in front of a room full of cheering people in his underwear. You could argue that he has pants on, but I dare you to prove it from this video. All I can see is what looks like some tighty whities and what appears to be a malformed smurf thumb stuffed in the front. That white guy that looks like a Mike Myers character in the front row is particularly happy to see all of it.

So there you have it Chris Brown. The gauntlet, and the pants, are still down. The opportunity to be buffeted by Soulja Boy’s fluffy kitten arms for nine whole minutes remains on the table if you want it.

In the meantime, I will just continue to wish someone in the world would punch Chris Brown right in his stupid face.

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About Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a sportswriter, photographer and humorist. You can email him (and you should) at

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