SATURDAY
Eagles at Redskins [+7.5]
Robert Griffin III is back at the helm for the Redskins and that would be a disaster if not for Mark Sanchez lining up under the ass of the Eagles’ center, trying his best not to bounce off it and to the ground. Still, against that Washington defense Sanchez very well might butt-fumble his way to the end zone. Pick: Eagles 24, Redskins 17
Chargers at 49ers [-1]
It looks like some people believe the 49ers will win another game this season. I am not one of those people. As crappy a season Colin Kaepernick has had, it’s not that far off from the season he had last year. Which was also a backed-up toilet. He’s actually got a better completion percentage this year, has more completions and on pace for more yards and is only 0.17 of a TD pass off his pace last year. He’s always sucked is what I’m saying. Pick: Chargers 31, 49ers 13
SUNDAY
Vikings at Dolphins [-6.5]
In one corner you have the Vkings, a team that lost its best player after the first week of the season (Adrian Peterson) for beating his son so bad it made Ray Rice’s wife start sending him midnight booty texts. Now they have a whole new outlook thanks to a great rookie season from quarterback Teddy Bridgewater. Joe Philbin of the Dolphins is just trying to remain an NFL coach, costing Pep Boys the best Assistant to the Regional Manager they’d ever have. Pick: Vikings 17, Dolphins 16
Ravens at Texans [+5]
The Ravens begin their AFC North coronation tour in Houston, facing the Case Keenum-led Texans. Keenum better make it work, because he’s missed his last four shifts at the Steak n Shake and is in real danger of getting fired. Pick: Ravens 27, Texans 3
Lions at Bears [+8.5]
Jimmy Clausen gets the nod against the Lions as if that was any way to keep Detroit from scoring 50 on the Bears defense. Calvin Johnson has come back to life, just in time to show all his fantasy owners how great he could have been for them if they hadn’t all been eliminated out of playoff contention back in November. Pick: Lions 42, Bears 10
Browns at Panthers [-3.5]
That -3.5 is an insult to the Panthers with Johnny Feminineitch at QB for the Browns. Manziel was historically bad for Cleveland last week, a team that’s used to historically bad play from multiple positions. Pick: Panthers 23, Browns 3
Falcons at Saints [-6.5]
The Falcons can spoil the playoffs for all of us this week, wining in New Orleans like so many other teams have been able to do this year. Drew Brees and the Saints need to get this one for America, making sure they at least finish 8-8 and that the Falcons don’t leave New Orleans with anything more than just the standard Lovecraftian STDs everyone gets there. Pick: Saints 34, Falcons 21
Packers at Buccaneers [+11]
It’s time for the Packers to bounce back from their worst performance of the season and the Bucs are presenting themselves like a Bonobo just for the occasion. Tampa Bay is settling into that No. 1 pick and not even Lovie Smith should be able to screw that up. Pick: Packers 45, Buccaneers 19
Chiefs at Steelers [-3]
The playoffs start a couple of weeks early for these two teams. Both control their own destiny and neither team can afford to lose a tie-breaker with the other. The Steelers have the advantage at every position on the field and a pretty big advantage on the sideline, especially if somebody in the stands at Heinz Field distracts Andy Reid with a loaded breakfast burrito. Pick: Steelers 27, Chiefs 20
Patriots at Jets [+10.5]
Jets, if you’re going to screw up your draft position and accidentally save Rex Ryan’s job, you might as well beat the Patriots while you’re at it. You won’t, but you should. Pick: Patriots 37, Jets 12
Giants at Rams [-6.5]
Time to tease us all with that possibility of a non-losing season, Rams, only to see it dashed next week in Seattle. That -6.5 looks scarier than any number I’ve ever seen, especially against a resurgent Eli Manning and Odell Beckham Jr. Pick: Rams 20, Giants 14.
Bills at Raiders [+7]
The Bills stay alive until the last week of the season and set up the next Raiders coach with a good draft pick. Everybody wins! Pick: Bills 19, Raiders 13
Colts at Cowboys [-3.5]
Fun drinking game: Every time an announcer mentions this game as a potential Super Bowl match up, take a drink. By the end of the game you might just be drunk enough to believe it. Pick: Cowboys 24, Colts 17
Seahawks at Cardinals [+7.5]
Halfway through this game after being picked off and beaten up relentlessly by the Seattle defense, Cards No. 3 (and sometimes No. 4) quarterback Ryan Lindley will probably regret passing up that night manager job at Quizno’s. Pick: Seahawks 27, Cardinals 10
MONDAY
Broncos at Bengals [+3]
It’d be nice to see Peyton Manning show up to this game after taking two weeks off. Let Papa John make his own commercials for a week so you can throw a touchdown pass or two. Pick: Broncos 33, Bengals 24
Straight up:
Last week: 13-3
Overall: 136-87-1
Against the spread:
Last week: 9-7
Overall: 102-120
