Another week, another bath against the spread. I’m holding my own straight up, but still look like I’m heading for my third straight triple-digit loss season. My gut feelings on the NFL Line Picks are all over the place this week, which either means I’m about to get hosed or a miracle is going to happen. In honor of the new Star Wars movie, I’ll pepper a few super secret Star Wars spoilers in here as we go along the NFL Line Picks.
Saturday
New York Jets at Dallas (+3.5)
We get one of the special Saturday night games that you won’t watch because you’ll be at Star Wars. Star Wars Spoiler: They were actually on the Earth all along. Jets 27, Cowboys 23
Sunday
Early Games
Chicago at Minnesota (-5.5)
The Bears can only mess up the Vikings’ playoff seeding at this point, but if Chicago was going to be a factor in the Vikings’ season, they would have done it already. Star Wars Spoiler: Kanye shows up at the end riding a rancor and raps over the credits. Vikings 23, Bears 17
Atlanta at Jacksonville (-3)
Who would have believed this line back in September? Star Wars Spoiler: Halfway through the movie Han Solo peels off his face to reveal he’s been Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunray the entire time. Jags 20, Falcons 17
Houston at Indianapolis (-2)
The Texans are going with T.J. Yates, going against Colts third-string quarterback Charlie Whitehurst. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted the week before Christmas. Star Wars Spoiler: I didn’t think putting visible nipples on every stormtrooper worked from a costume design perspective. Texans 17, Colts 10
Carolina at New York Giants (+4.5)
Here we have conclusive proof that I’m insane. Star Wars Spoiler: When the all-log Ewok mothership showed up to take out the new Deathstar with its rock cannons, I got to say I teared up a little. Giants 31, Panthers 30
Tennessee at New England (-14)
In five years this line will probably be reversed. For now it looks good to me. Star Wars Spoiler: The full frontal C3P0 nude scene was gratuitous. Pats 38, Titans 20
Buffalo at Washington (+1.5)
The Bills pretty much ruined any legitimate postseason shot last week with a loss to the Eagles. It’s time for the Redskins to do the same. Star Wars Spoiler: A Trump bumper sticker on Poe Dameron’s X-Wing? Why get political, Abrams? Bills 23, Redskins 20
Kansas City at Baltimore (+7)
The Chiefs have been a completely different team in the second half of the season. I mean it. Somebody should call the police. Star Wars Spoiler:They make no attempt at all to explain Leia’s eye patch and Australian accent. Chiefs 34, Ravens 14
Late Games
Cleveland at Seattle (-15)
Fifteen points look rough until you envision Johnny Manziel throwing passes against the Seahawks’ defense. Star Wars Spoiler: The CGI Bea Arther hosting the Life Day celebration at the end of the movie was a nice touch. Very lifelike. Seahawks 44, Browns 10
Green Bay at Oakland (+3)
This actually should be a legitimately good game and I like that spread. Star Wars Spoiler: Sio Bibble was actually a ghost?? Packers 34, Raiders 23
Denver at Pittsburgh (-7)
This is too good a game to be as little watched as it will be this week. How did NBC not steal this one for Sunday night? Star Wars Spoiler: Having Finn look directly into the camera and wink after delivering his lines was an odd choice. Steelers 28, Broncos 27
Miami at San Diego (-1.5)
Of all the games happening this week, this is definitely one of them. Star Wars Spoiler: Why did they let Adam Driver do his own light saber sound effects? Chargers 23, Dolphins 20
Cincinnati at San Francisco (+5)
The Bengals begin their late push without Andy Dalton. New quarterback A.J. McCarron couldn’t have picked a better opponent in the 49ers. Star Wars Spoiler: The Millennium Falcon actually has a spoiler. Looks like it came from a 1979 Trans Am. Bengals 27, 49ers 13
Sunday Night
Arizona at Philadelphia (+3.5)
The Eagles can stay alive for the playoffs. All they have to do is beat the second best team in the league. Star Wars Spoiler: Three words: anatomically correct sarlacc. Cardinals 34, Eagles 24
Monday Night
Detroit at New Orleans (-3)
Another Monday night game that looks like it’ll be horrible. But these have actually paid off as good games lately. This one should be the same as both teams score somewhere around 100 points. Star Wars Spoiler: Old Spock again?? Saints 44, Lions 40
This Week
Straight up: 0-1
Against the spread: 0-1
Last Week
Straight up: 9-7
Against the spread: 7-9
Overall
Straight up: 112-95
Against the spread: 96-111
Survivor pool picks: 33-17
