I’ve written about this the last couple of seasons, but it bears repeating. You can’t call every prediction a “bold prediction.” That’s not how this works. That’s not how anything works.
When you’re looking at two bottles of buffalo sauce and one says “BOLD” on the label, you know what you’re going to get with that. Your tongue is going to feel something when it hits your mouth. Your stomach will about 30 minutes later and the next morning, well, some other area is going to get invited to the party. “Bold” should mean something, even if it’s just a gallbladder attack. Last year I went 1-for-5, which as far as bold predictions go, isn’t bad at all.
That’s what I’m dealing with here. Imma give you some BOLD, son.
The New England Patriots will beat the Arizona Cardinals Week One
That’s right. The New England Patriots behind the inaccurate arm of Jimmy Garoppolo, will defeat the Arizona Cardinals in Week One of this NFL season. Why is this bold? Well, it’s the one game everyone seems assured the Patriots will lose during Garoppolo’s four-game tenure as the Pats starting QB. I’ve seen predictions of 3-1 (2-2 at worst), with the Cards game slotted as an automatic loss. That won’t happen.
What we will get is something like a 31-27 Patriots victory where the entire sports media will tout for the next week what a coaching Super Geeeenius Bill Belichick is.
But that will last only a single week because…
The Patriots will open the season 1-3 under Jimmy Garoppolo
After the Cardinals game the Patriots host the Miami Dolphins, the Houston Texans and the Buffalo Bills. I think they’ll lose all three of those games. If you look at the Pats’ history against AFC East opponents, you’ll realize why the Dolphins and Bills will both end up losses on the schedule. Last season the Pats went 4-2 against the AFC East but only one of those victories were by more than a touchdown. The three others all literally came down to the final play of the game. In fact, New England dropped its final two games of the season, costing itself home field advantage in the playoffs, with consecutive losses to the New York Jets (26-20) and the Dolphins (20-10). And that was with Tom Brady at quarterback playing meaningful games.
OK, you say, that explains the losses to the Dolphins and Bills, but what about the Texans? The Patriots beat them 27-6 last year. And you’re right. They did. But that was with Brian Hoyer at quarterback. The quarterback that is starting this game, Brock Osweiler, is 1-0 against the Patriots and a big reason the Broncos got home field in the playoffs. And if you think Garoppolo is ready for a pass rush led by J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus, not to mention a healthy Jadaveon Clowney, you’re nuts.
But the Pats will still be able to hang their hats on that Cardinals win, right? Right??
Nope. Because…
The Arizona Cardinals will not make the playoffs
Let me tell you what’s ridiculous. The idea that the Arizona Cardinals are going to the Super Bowl. Am I the only person in sports media who watched Carson Palmer auto-erotically asphyxiate himself in the playoffs? What makes you think he’ll be any different this year… or any year of his entire professional football career?
Now I’m seeing them as some writers’ Super Bowl 51 pick. I’m seeing them atop power rankings. Why? What happened in this offseason to the Packers, Packers and Seahawks that suddenly made the Cardinals, with Carson Palmer for God’s sake, better than all of them?
In the first half of the season the Cardinals play the Patriots, the Bills (at Buffalo), the Jets, the Seahawks and the Panthers (at Carolina). That’s five losses right there. The best Arizona will do this season is 9-7 and that won’t be good enough for a playoff spot.
They won’t be alone in missing the postseason after winning their division the year before because…
The Washington Redskins will also not make the playoffs
Last year the Redskins benefited from the historic collapse of every team better than them in the NFC East. Injuries, coaching flub ups and Chip Kelly’s personnel decisions opened the playoff door for a Redskins team who promptly entered through it, then exited right back out of it.
Here’s the Redskins’ first six games – Steelers, Cowboys, at Giants, Browns, at Ravens and at Eagles. If they come out of that any better than 2-4 they should get a cookie cake. Like from Great American Cookie Company. Not from, like, the Food City bakery. You know, a good one.
And finally we get to the first coach fired over his team’s performance in the 2016-17 NFL season. And here’s the real shocker…
Mike McCoy WILL NOT be the first coach fired this season
Yeah. That’s right. I mean, he’ll get fired for sure. That’s like saying the sky is blue or that Kim Kardashian should keep her Valtrex prescription up to date. McCoy is a dead man walking. He just won’t be the first head coach to walk The Green Mile this season.
Who will be? There’s plenty of contenders. Jim Caldwell and Gus Bradley are obvious choices. You could say Jeff Fisher, but his contract is up at the end of the season anyway so there’ll be no real “firing” there. Marvin Lewis? He shouldn’t be fired at all, but if the Bengals don’t make the playoffs he will be. So who do I think will be the first coach canned during or right after this season?
Who likes to suck two big toes and will be out of work in early January?
