It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas and in this time of peace and goodwill towards men, we all know what the real focus is one; presents. So I have some gifts for every NFL team this week, but the greatest gift of all would be a 15-1 finish for me after blowing Thursday night’s pick that left me asking, Where are you Christmas? Where can I find you?.
Santa. I have never asked you for anything before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you will remember if I was a good man, or bad. Why I picked, or why teams lost. All that will matter is one stood against many. That’s what’s important. Power pleases you Santa, so grant me one request. Grant me victory. And if you do not listen, then to hell with you.
As always, let’s get fired up before the picks. I can think of no better piece of music than the official best Christmas Song That Ever Existed.
Saturday Early Games
Miami at Buffalo (-4.5)
For the Bills (7-7), I know you want a new coach, but you’ve been far too naughty this year to get that. As it is, I’ll give you some crocs to put on Michelle Ryan’s feet so Rex doesn’t get so distracted over these next two games by her feet. For the Dolphins? They get what every Miami resident really wants this season; The Golden Girls 25th Anniversary Complete Collection. Bills 20, Dolphins 17
New York Jets at New England (-16.5)
The Patriots are always on the naughty list to the point where they no longer get lumps of coal, but are handed bags of flaming dog shit. And Jets, you don’t get a present. Why don’t you give the entire NFL nation a Christmas present and beat these bastards. Patriots 20, Jets 10
Tennessee at Jacksonville (+5)
Christmas came early for the Jaguars (2-12) with Gus Bradley getting shitcanned. The Titans (8-6) won’t get the biggest need on their wish list, a new coach, but instead will bring on the pending apocalypse with Mike Mularkey winning his fourth game in a row. Titans 34, Jaguars 17
Minnesota at Green Bay (-7)
The Packers (8-6) get some much needed fiber suppliments. All that cheese can really back you up. For the Vikings (7-7), some cold sore salve. How many mouths have been on that gjallarhorn? Packers 34, Vikings 17
San Diego at Cleveland (+4)
The Browns (0-14) are the little kids that Santa Clause forgot, so their gift is just an acknowledgement of their existence as an NFL franchise, as difficult as it is to believe. The Chargers (5-9) get a coupon for some discounted plastic surgery on that glass jaw in Tijuana, Mexico right across the border. Chargers 24, Browns 20
Washington at Chicago (+3)
For the Redskins (7-6-1), I’d like to get them a less controversial nickname. Since that’s a non-starter, I’ll go with a year’s supply of redskin potatoes so we can all pretend that’s their mascot. For the Bears (3-11)? How about some teeth? Bears 27, Redskins 24
Atlanta at Carolina (+3)
For the Falcons (9-5) I get a new memory card for their digital game camera, because they don’t seem to learn much from their film. For the Panthers (6-8), how about some heart? It was two sizes too small for much of this season. Panthers 27, Falcons 24
Saturday Late Games
Indianapolis at Oakland (-3.5)
The Colts (7-7) get that Norelco electric razor Santa rides on for Andrew Luck to clean up his Wolverine burns. As for the Raiders (11-3)? You get the finger. Specifically, a healed finger. Raiders 23, Colts 20
Tampa Bay at New Orleans (-3.5)
The Bucs (8-6) get a 50 percent off coupon for the brunch buffet at the Mons Venus strip club. I would give the Saints (6-8), I give them all hepatitis vaccinations before they go to Larry Flint’s Hustler Club in New Orleans. Saints 34, Buccaneers 31
Arizona at Seattle (-8)
The Seahawks (9-4-1) already got their Christmas gift, playing in the hapless NFC West. The Cardinals (5-8-1) get the best gift of all, Tony Romo’s cell phone number. Seahawks 27, Cardinals 20
San Francisco at Los Angeles (-5)
Like the Jaguars, it’s been Christmas for weeks for the Rams (4-10) after Jeff Fisher was fired. The 49ers (1-3) want a similar gift for themselves, and they just might be bad enough to get it. Rams 17, 49ers 14
Saturday Night
Cincinnati at Houston (-1)
The Bengals (5-8-1) don’t get a gift this Christmas, but Marvin Lewis just might. A move to a warmer local. Maybe somewhere in Florida. The Texans (8-6) get a big bag of disappointment. Bengals 27, Texans 16
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-6)
The Ravens (8-6) really want a playoff berth for Christmas. Instead they get a visit from the Steelers (9-5) and the Ghost of Games past showing them exactly how they blew their season in October. Steelers 34, Ravens 30
Sunday Night
Denver at Kansas City (-3.5)
The Broncos (8-6) get a better gift than the Cardinals, Tony Romo’s agent’s cell number. The Chiefs (10-4), if they’re lucky, will just get the gift of showing up for this game. Chiefs 20, Broncos 16
Monday Night
Detroit at Dallas (-6.5)
The Lions (9-5) gift is the knowledge they were still alive for the playoffs in the final two weeks of the season. The Cowboys (12-2) got their gift from the Giants Thursday night, an NFC East title and home field advantage in the playoffs. Cowboys 31, Lions 24
This Week
Straight up: 0-1
Against the spread: 0-1
Last Week
Straight up: 13-3
Against the spread: 6-10
Season
Straight up: 139-83-2
Against the spread: 110-110
To make a wager on this week’s NFL games, go to the world famous Diamond Sportsbook by clicking here.
