Week Four of the NFL season got of to a raucous start thanks to the Cincinnati Bengals remembering that A.J. Green was a member of their football club. Those of you who filled out your daily fantasy rosters early or have Green on your regular fantasy team are feeling pretty good coming into Sunday and you should. If you had anyone on the Miami Dolphins squad, I’m sorry. Hopefully your NFL fantasy league doesn’t make the guy that finishes at the bottom get an embarassing tattoo or breast implants or something.
I’ve got a shitty week of picks to make up for. I’m off to a solid start with my Bengals pick Thursday, but considering 94 percent of us in the “expert community” went that way, I’ll try to keep my composure on the field and save my emotional outburst for the sideline like Odell Beckham Jr.
Let’s pick some NFL games!
Byes: Green Bay (2-1) and Philadelphia (3-0)
Sunday Morning Game
Indianapolis at (in London) Jacksonville (+2.5)
You know, if the NFL really wants to cultivate an audience in Europe, maybe they need to stop sending the Jaguars (0-3) over there. While you could argue the Colts (1-2) are one of the league’s marquee franchises, this isn’t the year to watch them. Maybe next year isn’t either. It’d be a shame if the Jags got their first win of the NFL season an ocean away from any human being that cares about it. So that’s what will happen. Jaguars 31, Colts 27
Sunday Early Games
Tennessee at Houston (-4.5)
The Texans (2-1) have officially lost J.J. Watt for the season after he went under the knife Thursday. At the same time, head coach Bill O’Brien has decided to take over playcalling on offense and his quarterback, Brock Osweiler, thinks critiques of his play are “hilarious.” Very RG3 of him. That usually works out well. Can I go with Tennessee (1-2) on the road? Oh God. I am. Titans 20, Texans 17
Cleveland at Washington (-7.5)
Josh Gordon just announced he was going to rehab right as he was supposed to come back to the Browns’ roster. Anything is better than Cleveland (0-3), I guess. Meanwhile, the Redskins (1-2) get this woeful Browns team just in time to pretend they’ve fixed all their gaping, Kardashian panties-sized problems. Redskins 24, Browns 20
Seattle at New York Jets (+2.5)
Russell Wilson is playing a serous defense with a bum knee and corners that cover all his best receiving targets. This is the game the Seahawks (2-1) really need to fall in love with Jimmy Graham. On the other side, the Jets (1-2) are coming off the most Ryan Fitzpatricky game of Ryan Fitzpatrick’s career. I don’t get why this line isn’t even. Jets 20, Seahawks 19
Buffalo at New England (even)
Speaking of even lines, the Patriots (3-0) host the Bills (1-2) a week after Rex Ryan sucked up so many of his own farts he was in a coma until Wednesday. Jacoby Brissett has an injured thumb, but is expected to be active on gameday. So will Jimmy Garoppolo, even though both guys aren’t 100 percent. Is that enough to beat the Bills at Foxboro? Are the Pats going 4-0 without Tom Brady under center? Dammit. Pats 24, Bills 20
Carolina at Atlanta (+3)
The Falcons (2-1) looked as sharp as ever on offense Monday night against the Saints. It was less so on defense, as they benefited from Drew Brees having to force every pass to stay in the game. Carolina (1-2) won’t have that issue. The Panthers aren’t starting the season 1-3. Panthers 38, Falcons 24
Oakland at Baltimore (-3.5)
It’s a trap! The Ravens (3-0) have played in nothing but close games all season, no matter who they’ve been up against. The Raiders (2-1) have been all over the place, especially on defense. If this game was in Oakland, I’d pick the Raiders and not think about it for a second. But the game is in Baltimore, gentlemen. The gods will not save you. Ravens 28, Raiders 24
Detroit at Chicago (+3)
Brian Hoyer again, Chicago (0-3)? Ok, thanks. Lions 34, Bears 17
Sunday Late Games
Denver at Tampa Bay (+3)
What is this Denver (3-0) defense going to do to Jameis Winston. I’ve got a feeling he’ll be giving birth to Von Miller’s son nine month’s from now. Broncos 27, Buccaneers 20
Los Angeles at Arizona (-8)
I pick the Rams (2-1) wrong every week. So I’m going to check and see if I’m the reason behind this sudden success. You’re welcome, Arizona (1-2). Rams 24, Cardinals 20
New Orleans at San Diego (-4)
This game could see 100 points scored before it’s over. Brees just has to press too much with this terrible Saints (0-3) defense. The Chargers (1-2) aren’t much better, but if their DBs can catch the ball when it’s thrown to them, they should be able to win it. Chargers 48, Saints 45
Dallas at San Francisco (+2)
This has to be the most insulting line of the day. Who has that much respect for the San Francisco (1-2) defense? The Cowboys (2-1) certainly won’t have any. Cowboys 31, 49ers 17
Sunday Night
Kansas City at Pittsburgh (-5)
The Steelers (2-1) aren’t going to shit the bed two weeks in a row and they sure as hell aren’t going to lose at home to a team from west of the Mississippi River. Steelers 34, Chiefs 20
Monday Night
New York Giants at Minnesota (-5)
Look at you, Sam Bradford, all growns up with the Vikings (3-0). Just like the Rams, I’ve picked Minnesota wrong every week too. It’s time to continue my scientific experiment. And, again, you’re welcome Giants (2-1). Vikings 30, Giants 27
