Frankly, with the New England Patriots losing, the first week of the NFL season could not have gone better. Let’s take a look at how our arbitrary NFL Power Rankings shake out after the perfect opening week.
1. Atlanta Falcons – (1-0) I still have no faith in this Falcons team and certainly a lackluster performance against the Chicago Bears earns them no praise, but as runner up last season they get the top spot for at least a week. Last week: No. 2
2. Dallas Cowboys – (1-0) The New York Giants defense was supposed to be a test for the Cowboys, but it was Dallas who was giving the D in Arlington Sunday Night. Last week: No. 3
3. Pittsburgh Steelers – (1-0) Like the Falcons, the Steelers weren’t impressive in a an opening day win against an overmatched Cleveland Browns team. But they got the victory and that means they move up a spot. No one should feel great about this. Last week: No. 4
4. Oakland Raiders – (1-0) Derek Carr took the Raiders into Tennessee and came away with a solid win over a talented and poorly coached team. Amari Cooper dropped three consecutive touchdown passes at one point, though. He needs to fix that. Last week: No. 5
5. Green Bay Packers – (1-0) Aaron Rodgers once again had to overcome shitty playcalling from Mike McCarthy to pull off a win. Is the defense this good or is Seattle’s offensive line that bad? Last week: No. 6
6. Kansas City Chiefs – (1-0) The Chiefs may have overtaken the Cowboys’ moniker of “America’s Team” after the Shawshank shower scene they delivered at Foxboro Thursday. I hope Spencer Ware wasn’t watching. He lost his job. Last week: No. 8
7. New England Patriots – (0-1) Am I brave enough to pick the Patriots to lose two in a row against the Saints in New Orleans? Nope, not facing the Saints’ defense. But a dream is a wish your heart makes. Last week: No. 1
8. Seattle Seahawks – (0-1) For all the help the Seahawks brought in on the offensive line, they didn’t seem to offer much against the Packers Sunday. If this doesn’t get fixed soon, it could cost the Seahawks more than a single game. Last week: No. 7
9. Minnesota Vikings – (1-0) The Vikings make the biggest jump in the power rankings this week, rising 11 spots after Sam Bradford carved up the Saints defense like a chainsaw sculptor. Last week: No. 20
10. Denver Broncos – (1-0) I was down on Trevor Siemian coming into the season, but he played solid Monday night against what was supposed to be a pretty good Los Angeles Chargers defense. Last week: No. 14
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (0-0) The Buccaneers got an extra week of preparation for their Week Two match up. I’m not sure they needed the extra time for the Chicago Bears. Last week: No. 11
12. Miami Dolphins – (0-0) Jay Cutler got to one more week of prep as well for the Chargers’ defense. With a short preseason, Cutler probably needed it. Last week: No. 12
13. Detroit Lions – (1-0) No one expected the Lions to stage a fourth quarter comeback against the Cardinals. We should have. It’s all he’s done for the last two seasons. Argue that he isn’t worth the money again. Last week: No. 13
14. Tennessee Titans – (0-1) Mike Mularkey opened Sunday’s game against the Raiders with a surprise onside kick. The surprise was that the Raiders recovered the ball and immediately went down and scored a touchdown. There’s a reason Mularkey is the (scientifically proven) worst head coach in the NFL. Last week: No. 10
15. New York Giants – (0-1) The offense still sucks and the defense didn’t look that great either Sunday night. Other than those two parts of the game, the Giants are fine. Last week: No. 9
16. Philadelphia Eagles – (1-0) Sunday was a big day for second-year quarterbacks with Carson Wentz passing for 307 yards and two touchdowns with a pick. Last week: No. 19
17. Washington Redskins – (0-1) Kirk Cousins did what he normally does Sunday against the Eagles, put up decent numbers and still lost. Last week: No. 16
18. Baltimore Ravens – (1-0) Joe Flacco was rusty and it didn’t matter because his defense was in midseason form, recording the first shutout of the season. Last week: No. 22
19. Carolina Panthers – (1-0) Like Flacco, Cam Newton wasn’t 100 percent against the San Francisco 49ers. Against that team, 40 percent is probably plenty. Last week: No. 24
20. Los Angeles Rams – (1-0) Look at you, Jared Goff, playing like a No. 1 overall pick. It’s like you’re finally getting NFL level coaching or something. Last week: No. 26
21. Arizona Cardinals – (0-1) David Johnson is out for maybe three months and the Cardinals bandwagon has emptied faster than a Denny’s men’s room when Chris Christie walks in. Last week: No. 18
22. Buffalo Bills – (1-0) The Bills just won their gimme over the season the New York Jets. The Panthers won’t be so welcoming Sunday. Last week: No. 30
23. Jacksonville Jaguars – (1-0) Doug Marrone is 1-0 as the Jaguars head coach which, if my math is right, makes him the second best head coach in team history already. Last week: No. 27
24. Houston Texans – (0-1) The Deshaun Watson era begins Thursday night against a Bengals team that shit the bed so thoroughly last week they had to set it on fire. Last week: No. 15
25. Cincinnati Bengals – (0-1) Speaking of the Bengals, Marvin Lewis is in the last year of his contract. So there’s that to look forward to, I guess. Last week: No. 21
26. New Orleans Saints – (0-1) Sunday night Jon Gruden said that Sean Payton had faith in his defense. Maybe it’s time to put his faith in something a little more stable. Like Venezuelan currency. Last week: No. 23
27. Los Angeles Chargers – (0-1) Anthony Lynn came into Sunday’s game with a plan to run the ball like he likes to do, almost ensuring that Phillip Rivers would have to drag the team back into the game late in the fourth quarter. Good hire, Chargers. Last week: No. 25
28. Chicago Bears – (0-1) Are the Bears going to be decent this season or is the Falcons’ defense that bad. My guess is the latter. Last week: No. 29
29. Cleveland Browns – (0-1) You are no longer on the bottom two of the power rankings, Browns. You’re still 0-1, but that’s something, right? Right? Last week: No. 31
30. Indianapolis Colts – (0-1) For God’s sake, Chuck Pagano. At least the Jets are tanking on purpose. Last week: No. 17
31. San Francisco 49ers – (0-1) Kyle Shanahan’s offense looked good in the preseason, but that just proves you can’t base a whole lot on the preseason. Last week: No. 28
32. New York Jets – (0-1) Here you are Jets and, honestly, here you will stay. This team may not win a game this season and I never thought I’d see that happen again after the 2008 Detroit Lions. On the bright side, the Lions got Matthew Stafford after that. So, high five? Last week: No. 32
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