Here’s what you’ve got to understand about Charlie Sheen, two-time winner of the prestigious Golden Globe and one-time winner of the WWE Slammy Award; he takes his NCAA Brackets seriously.
He spends hours and hours going over each potential game, even before the conference tournaments happen, looking at match-ups, game history, coaching trends, the usual pre-game meals. Charlie Sheen puts more work into his NCAA bracket than the rest of us do in raising our children. Because there’s only one thing Charlie Sheen cares about when it comes to March Madness or anything, really; Winning.
When you look at it in that context, the way Charlie Sheen must see it through a scorching haze of Panthera tigris hemoglobin and stray droplets of porn star spray tan, you can understand why, upon seeing United States president Barack Obama’s NCAA Bracket, he felt the need to fire off this tweet on his mobile device.
Barry Satera Kenya
u won't attend a
soldier's funeral uhkros
da street that u kild
yet u hav time
4 brackets?
s a d
c http://t.co/KM1in5MPio— Charlie Sheen (@charliesheen) March 19, 2015
Allow me to translate for those not fellow giant jungle-dwelling feline cruor connoisseurs, exactly what Charlie Sheen is communicating via his cocaine-encrusted thumbs in this tweet.
“Barry Satera Kenya. You won’t attend a soldier’s funeral across the street that you killed, yet you have time for brackets? Sad. C (I assume that’s for Charlie).”
Now, you could argue that 1989 Bronze Wrangler Winner Charlie Sheen is using the spelling of these words in a racist way because Barack Obama is black, but I disagree. Having perused Charlie’s Twitter feed, I think this is just how he spells words in between heaving gasps of his favorite paper bag laced with model glue.
And don’t read that Tweet wrong. At first glance it may appear that the star of Madea’s Witness Protection and Shadow Conspiracy is criticizing Barack Obama’s priorities, thinking that he should be at some imagined and heretofore unknown presidential obligation that he has opted out of in favor of formulating a successful NCAA Final Four. But that’s not what’s happening. What The Warlock himself is upset about is that Obama put off all those important president-y things and that this was the best bracket he could come up with.
Really, Obama? Kentucky, Arizona, Villanova and Duke. That’s your Final Four. Your big upset pick is Arizona, the two-seed in the West Regional to beat No. 1 seed Wisconsin. That’s where you stick your neck out? This is worse than that time you chewed gum on television in India. Yes. I mean it. Worse than that.
And the thing is, Obama even talked himself out of North Carolina over Wisconsin in the Sweet 16. See that line through it? He couldn’t even stick to that upset that wouldn’t be so much an upset as just a thing that happens in college basketball.
I’m disappointed, Mr. President. Not as disappointed as that time you saluted your marine guards as you got off your helicopter while holding a cup of coffee, but I’m not happy.
What Charlie Sheen, God bless him, realized before the rest of us is that Barack Obama has been filling out horrible NCAA Brackets since his second year in office. In 2009 he correctly picked UNC to win it all, but he’s been awful ever since, getting just one team right in the final four for the last two consecutive seasons and just two in 2012. From 2010-11, Obama didn’t guess a single team correctly that got to the semifinals. It’s like he’s not even taking this seriously.
Can you blame Charlie Sheen, the voice of Charlie Barkin in All Dogs Go to Heaven 2 for being pissed? Me neither.
That’s just lazy bracket-ology, Mr. President, and this nation deserves better. A 25 percent annual average in Final Four picks? Only a 16.6 percent average on your champion picks? My God. Mitt Romney was wrong. Obama wishes he had 47 percent. This is what you get for not being in sport.
Saturday night NC State knocked out Villanova 71-68, laying waste to the President’s bracket for the sixth straight year. He didn’t even make it to the Sweet 16. Barack Obama once said “Elections have consequences” and he was right. What none of us could have known then, back in those ecstatic days in late 2008, was that half-assed NCAA brackets would be one of them.
