Halloween is upon us and the Friday Afternoon Quarterback celebrates it like everyone else. So here are this week’s NFL picks, with a few extra Halloween-y treats thrown in.
Byes: Rams, Dolphins, Giants, Steelers, 49ers and Ravens
Sunday Morning Game
Washington at Cincinnati (-3)
This game is in London. Did you know the Original Jack O’ Lanterns originated in the British Isles and were carved out of turnips or beets and really looked like shit? Bengals 24, Redskins 20
Sunday Early Games
Kansas City at Indianapolis (+3)
The origin of our modern celebration of Halloween began as the Celtic festival of Samhain. The Celts believed that spirits walked the earth, haunted the living, damaged crops and make lame, derivative heavy metal albums. Chiefs 20, Colts 17
Oakland at Tampa Bay (EVEN)
Halloween became more about fun and less about battling ghosts when Christian missionaries came to British Isles and gave the people of the present day UK something to really be scared about, forced religious conversion. Raiders 31, Bucs 27
Seattle at New Orleans (+2.5)
It’s from the Christian-ized version of Samhain we get the word Halloween. The missionaries attempted to replace the Samhain festival with a new, friendlier church-sanctioned holiday they called All Souls’ Day or All Saints’ Day on Nov. 2, which in the old English became All Hallows and All Hallowmas. Still wanting to dance around in costumes and drink, the Brits just celebrated their old way the day before, calling it All Hallows Eve and because no one could read or had teeth to say it properly, it eventually became Halloween. Saints 31, Seahawks 24
Detroit at Houston (-2.5)
It won’t surprise you to learn that the early protestants who crossed the Atlantic to the present day New England area weren’t too keen on celebrating Halloween as they saw fun costumes and revelry as something not so much to be celebrated, but pressed out of you by giant, heavy chunks of rock. Texans 27, Lions 24
New York Jets at Cleveland (+3)
Further down the coast, the people of Maryland and Virginia had no trouble raising a pint to honor the dead and welcome in the winter, merging their European celebration tradition with the fall fun of the local Indian tribes like telling ghost stories, reading fortunes, singing and with an extra dash of wholesale genocide thrown in later. Jets 31, Browns 13
New England at Buffalo (+6)
A fresh set of European immigrants flooded the Pre-Trump United States in the mid 1800s, especially from Ireland, the land that invented Halloween in the first place. This brought “Trick or Treating” into the American tradition where we eventually sent our children out into our local neighborhood to panhandle candy in exchange for not tossing rotten eggs onto your brand new Acura TLX, because if that shit dries it messes up the paint for good and dammit, you little bastard, you get away from my mailbox! Patriots 34, Bills 20
Arizona at Carolina (-3)
In the 1800s young women believed they could magically discover their future husband by performing rituals with apple peels, mirrors or yarn. It’s a tradition that continues to this day, but involves a lot more lace, spandex and leather. Panthers 31, Cardinals 20
Sunday Late Games
San Diego at Denver (-4.5)
Halloween began to lose a lot of its spiritual significance in the early 1900s as communities were more into getting drunk and giving out candy and less into the scaring away ancestral demons who want to ruin our corn crops. The desire grew to create a more family-friendly holiday and take a lot of the fright out of it and when you look at these vintage Halloween costumes from the 1900s, it’s safe to say they succeeded. Broncos 27, Chargers 24
Green Bay at Atlanta (-3)
Most of our current Halloween practices were formalized in the 1950s, thanks mainly to the cheap mass production of costumes and candy. It’s evolved in the second-highest revenue generating holiday in the United States right after Christmas and enjoyed by people of all ages. Children get to meet their neighbors, see fun decorations and get free candy and adults can take pictures of their friends acting like drunken morons in festive costumes. Falcons 38, Packers 28
Sunday Night
Philadelphia at Dallas (-5)
Last year the most popular Halloween candy in Texas was the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. The most popular candy in Pennsylvania was M&Ms. Surprisingly not making the list? Crystal meth. Cowboys 38, Eagles 24
Monday Night
Minnesota at Chicago (+4.5)
This year the most popular kid’s Halloween costumes are Batman and Wonder Woman, both readily available since both were featured in Batman vs. Superman movie this year. The most popular adult costumes? Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. And after all they did to try to remove the worst horrors from the celebration of the holiday, somehow that’s still scary as hell. Vikings 27, Bears 10
This Week
Straight up: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
Last Week
Straight up: 9-5-1
Against the spread: 6-8
Season
Straight up: 55-51-1
Against the spread: 48-58
