I did not have sexual relations with shark, Miss Sharkfinsky (you are all welcome).

Welcome to Hell, Jim McElwain

Let me state unequivocally that I believe University of Florida head football coach Jim McElwain. I take him at his word. That word, specifically being, that he did not strip his overweight oniony body nude and drape it across the back of a majestic and so, so dead shark, and hump it while some unknown person took a photo.

I do not believe McElwain is the man smiling and grinding his genitals into the back of a deceased sea carnivore. The poor, poor bastard.

Over the weekend an animal rights activist, in attempt to embarrass the man that killed the be-humped shark, posted the photo to her twitter. She asked, “Who is this man?”

People had some ideas.

Specifically someone suggested it was McElwain. The idea caught on and became such a thing that Florida actually denied it. Wednesday, McElwain was asked about the photo directly.

The thing is, I believe McElwain. While the Florida head man looks like any other pudgy dentist or car salesman or bank manager in your town, so does this moron getting his freak on with Jaws. They look alike in the general sense, like if you were an alien just encountering humans for the first time. But to me, it’s obviously not him.

It actually looks a hell of a lot more like the owner of Jimmy John’s, the aptly-named Jimmy John Liautaud. Liautaud has photos all over the internet posing, albeit fully clothed, with plenty of dead trophy animals. Maybe this photo just shows James Johnathan’s urge to take that urge to kill God’s creatures to the next, logical level. For the record, Jim Jon says it’s not him either.

Here’s the problem for McElwain. The schools Florida is going to play next season won’t give a single shit if it’s really him. Everywhere in the stands, and especially in the background of College Football Gameday, sign after sign, joke after joke, about McElwain and the shark will be plain to see.

And he’s going to see him. He’s already sick as hell thinking about this shark humping thing and now it’s going to follow him around for the next decade. How many people will be dressed as sharks in the stands when Florida plays South Carolina? Are there enough numbers in the cosmos to count them?

It legitimately sucks for McElwain, but I’ve got to say as a Tennessee fan…

If it is McElwain, I don’t even think this is the weirdest thing a football coach has ever been caught doing.

Former Buffalo Bills and New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan used to post videos of his wife’s feet to YouTube for viewers to masturbate to.

Don’t believe for a second that ever went away.

How about the time it appeared University of Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh ate one of his own boogers during a game?

Harbaugh actually had to release an official statement denying he ate a booger at that moment of any moment in his history.

“I have never eaten a booger in my entire life,” Harbaugh was actually forced to say. “…It might have looked like that was happening. But if you rub your nose and then you bite your fingernail, that’s not eating a booger. There was no booger eaten.”

None of what you just read was fake or invented by me in any way. He said all that shit. About boogers. I guess it just all went away after that. Right?

Former Ohio State head coach Woody Hayes got fired after punching a Clemson player who just picked off his quarterback in the Gator Bowl.

So this is Jim McElwain’s life now. The Life Aquatic, if you will. For the foreseeable future he’ll be the shark-humping coach on every game day sign in the country. He’ll be bombarded with toy sharks, dead sharks, copies of Shark Tale, wherever he goes.

There’s no escape. And it’s not even him.

Probably.

Illinois losing three players to justice system

Darta Lee, Zarrian Holcombe and Howard Watkins decided they were really low on TVs and Playstation 4s Wednesday morning. the Three University of Illinois football players were arrested and charged with a home invasion and robbery.

Allegedly the three men entered a dorm apartment wearing masks and carrying a fake gun, to rob a schoolmate of his cash.

“Darta Lee and Zarrian Holcombe were already suspended from team activities for violations of team rules, and will remain suspended,” Smith said. “Howard Watkins has been suspended indefinitely from team activities. These allegations, if true, fail to live up to the standards we expect of our student-athletes. We continue to gather information and will take appropriate steps based upon what we learn.”

Head coach Lovie Smith has already suspended all three players, so NCAA Division II coaches, hit those phones now before the FCS guys get to calling. Lee and Watkins are both offensive lineman.

Holcombe appeared in one game last year at wide receiver on a punt coverage unit. He made one tackle.

Rawleigh Williams III calls it a way too young career

After suffering a frightening injury in Arkansas’s spring football game, starting running back Rawleigh Williams III will no longer play football.

Williams made the official announcement Monday.

“I’m moving onto the next chapter of my life,” Williams said in a letter to Arkansas’s website. “It’s tough to not be able to play football anymore because I’ve been playing since I was four years old. It wasn’t something I wanted to do or planned on having to do so early. I’ve prayed, listened to my doctors, my parents and my gut. It still doesn’t seem real yet, but I really don’t have a choice. I’ve dodged the bullet twice. I realize that at the end of the day I want to live a normal life and be around my family.”

Though it was diagnosed as a “stinger,” the entire event, happening on the last play of the spring game, was scary enough for Williams to hang up his cleats. He’d previously injured his neck as a freshman and needed to get a disc fused in his neck.

Williams was the top rusher in the SEC last season, carrying the ball 245 times for 1,360 yards and 12 touchdowns, averaging 5.6 yards per carry. Williams caught 15 passes for 220 yards and one touchdown.

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About Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a sportswriter, photographer and humorist. You can email him (and you should) at adamgreenetfm@gmail.com

About Adam Greene

Adam Greene is a sportswriter, photographer and humorist. You can email him (and you should) at adamgreenetfm@gmail.com

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