Click here for Part 1 of the NFL Power Rankings.
15. Oakland Raiders – (3-1) What if every game didn’t come down to the final play, Oakland? What if, before you left the bay area for the desert oasis of legal gambling and prostitution of Las Vegas you didn’t become one of the most exciting teams in football? Last week: 17
16. Arizona Cardinals – (1-3) I would make another joke at the expense of the Cardinals’ bandwagon, but at this point it’s like a broken down Conestoga in the old Oregon Trail game. It’s missing a wheel, an axle, an ox is dead and I’m pretty sure Carson Palmer has dysentery. Last week: 15
17. Houston Texans – (3-1) Well, well, well. Look who’s back here with the mediocre teams just in time to get their asses handed to them by the Minnesota Vikings. Enjoy it while it lasts. Last week: 29
18. Kansas City Chiefs – (2-2) There are beat downs, then there’s the Tyson-Spinks reenactment the Chiefs helped the Steelers put on last Sunday. Last week: 16
19. Washington Redskins – (2-2) Dear everyone who thinks the Redskins have fixed what ailed them. They got lucky against the Giants and beat the Browns. Let’s see what they do against the Ravens on the road this week before we pretend this is a real football team again. Last week: 20
20. New York Jets – (1-3) Brandon Marshall said he was going down in the boat with Ryan Fitzpatrick. “I am going down in the boat with No. 14,” he said, illustrating that Fitzpatrick is as good a sailor as he is a quarterback. Last week: 18
21. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – (1-3) On the bright side, each consecutive loss for the Bucs has looked better on paper, at least on the defensive side of the ball. They gave up 40 points to the Cardinals, 37 to the Rams then 27 to the Broncos. If this trend continues Tampa Bay will be happy to know they can expect to lose 20-3 to the Panthers Monday night. So kudos, I guess. Last week: 19
22. Buffalo Bills – (2-2) You beat a New England team without a healthy quarterback in the zip code. Fantastic, Rex Ryan. I’m sure there’s no problem at all now. Last week: 22
23. Indianapolis Colts – (1-3) The Colts tried to get better on defense this week by cutting players. Seems counter-intuitive. But, hey, you’ve got the Bears at home to buy you another week, Chuck Pagano. Last week: 21
24. New Orleans Saints – (1-3) Eureka! It finally happened. The Saints outlasted another team in the fourth quarter, even if it was the Chargers. That still counts, right? Right??? Last week: 26
25. Jacksonville Jaguars – (1-3) I want to apologize to the Tennessee Titans’ Mike Mularkey. Here I’ve been giving you shit over your coaching record (currently 19-42) when Gus Bradley is just 13-39. Bradley has the second-worst winning percentage (.250) in NFL history and the worst of the NFL’s modern era. So, sorry Mike. You’re just the second worst head coach of your generation. Last week: 31
26. Miami Dolphins – (1-3) So I don’t think I’m alone in thinking Ryan Tannehill probably isn’t the guy. You’ve got one more year with him to figure it out, Adam Gase. The Dolphins take a $10.4 million cap hit if you cut him in 2017, but just a $4.6 million hit if you cut him in 2018. Yes, “just” $4.6 million. Last week: 23
27. Chicago Bears – (1-3) Speaking of cap hits, Jay Cutler’s days as the Chicago Bears’ QB are coming to an end as his contract finally hits the sane portion of its numbers next season. The Bears will take a $2 million hit when (not if) the cut, Cutler in the offseason. So you can look forward to that, at least, as your season continues swirling down the toilet. Last week: 30
28. Detroit Lions – (1-3) In his last four seasons as an NFL head coach (meaning, without Peyton Manning as his QB), Jim Caldwell is 21-31, which is still better than Mike Mularkey and Gus Bradley. Last week: 24
29. San Francisco 49ers – (1-3) NaVorro Bowman is out and Blaine Gabbert is still in. So, yeah, the dumpster fire rages on. Last week: 25
30. San Diego Chargers – (1-3) If Mike McCoy was really angry enough to do something serious after the Chargers’ last loss, he would have fired himself. Last week: 27
31. Tennessee Titans – (1-3) Listen, Mike Mularkey, we’ve made peace, you and I. You don’t have the worst head coaching record of your era, but I still think we can throw out the record books and admit that, really, you are the worst coach. Probably of all time. So conrgats. Last week: 28
32. Cleveland Browns – (0-4) Winless after the first month and now Tom Brady comes to town like Chris Christie entering a Golden Corral. It’s going to get ugly. Last week: 32
