It would have gone down as the “War of 18-12” in NFL lore if it hadn’t been so terrible. Yes, football is back and if you didn’t gouge your eyes out with a chicken wing halfway through the second quarter, you watched the Philadelphia Eagles defeat the Atlanta Falcons 18-12 in what might be the worst opening game in league history, but it’s OK. There will be better games this week, which we’ll pick in the first edition of the Friday Afternoon Quarterback.
If you’ll recall, last year’s Thursday night season kickoff was just a little more exciting. Kareem Hunt was introduced to the world as the Kansas City Chiefs came back from an early deficit to down the defending Super Bowl champion New England Patriots 42-27. The year before, we got a Super Bowl 50 rematch with the Denver Broncos winning again, 21-20, over the Carolina Panthers. The fact is, you’ve got to go back to 2010 to find a season-opener this poorly played when the New Orleans Saints beat the Minnesota Vikings 14-9. Like that game, this one was a real snail-biter right down to the final flubbed play from Matt Ryan, who played the whole game like somebody had slipped Peter Brady’s cursed tiki idol into his back pocket right before kickoff.
https://twitter.com/NFL_Memes/status/1037920116489560064
On the bright side, I’m already 1-0 against the spread and straight up.
The rest of my picks will be in tomorrow's Friday Afternoon Quarterback on https://t.co/AVm9LHEaF0. Tonight's game = Atlanta Falcons at Philadelphia Eagles (-1, 45). My pick. Eagles 26, Falcons 23
— Adam Greene (@TheFirstMan) September 6, 2018
It’s time for The Friday Afternoon Quarterback. Let’s pick some games.
Sunday
Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns (+4, O/U 44)
When this season is over, the AFC North won’t have Hue Jackson to kick around anymore. That means they need to get all the kicking in while they still can. Steelers 34, Browns 13
Cincinnati Bengals at Indianapolis Colts (-3, O/U 48)
Andrew Luck is like the shark in the first Jaws movie. He’s lurking out of sight and no one knows what they’ll see when he finally shows up, but the music is playing in the background and somebody’s about to get bit. Colts 27, Bengals 17
Tennessee Titans at Miami Dolphins (+1.5, O/U 45)
Adam Gase has spent the last year giving away his good players like Oprah hands out VW Bugs. Ryan Tannehill is now the last man standing on an offense that’s seen more talent disappear than the end of Infinity War. Titans 24, Dolphins 20
San Francisco 49ers at Minnesota Vikings (-6.5, O/U 46)
Jimmy Garoppolo dated porn star Kiara Mia this offseason. And now, because of that, this is the only time her name will show up on your work computer without getting you a mandatory visit to HR. Vikings 30, 49ers 19
Houston Texans at New England Patriots (-6.5, O/U 51)
I’m as tempted to take the Houston Texans and Deshaun Watson in the upset here as you are to Google Kiara Mia right now. We both know we shouldn’t do it. Patriots 35, Texans 30
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at New Orleans Saints (-9.5, O/U 49.5)
Jameis Winston was suspended at Florida State for shouting about female genitalia. Now he’s been suspended by the NFL for grabbing a woman’s crotch. If both these lapses in judgement prove anything, it’s that Winston has no business playing quarterback in the NFL. He should be running for President of the United States. Saints 26, Buccaneers 16
Jacksonville Jaguars at New York Giants (+3, O/U 42.5)
I’ve been all chalk up to the point, at least in the straight up picks, but no more. I like Eli Manning. I like Saquon Barkley and I expect Odell Beckham Jr. to treat Jalen Ramsey like he’s a sideline kicker’s net. Giants 23, Jaguars 19
Buffalo Bills at Baltimore Ravens (-7.5, O/U 40)
A lot of contract incentives will be on the line for the Ravens secondary with Nathan Peterman getting the start for Buffalo. There are only so many chances you’ll get in your career to hit your interception bonus in the first game of the season. Ravens 31, Bills 13
Kansas City Chiefs at Los Angeles Chargers (-3.5, O/U 48)
Seeing the Chargers favored by more than a field goal makes me nervous. Anthony Lynn is just dying to figure out a way to ruin this. The Chargers have Philip Rivers at quarterback and one of the best wide receivers in the league in Keenan Allen. They’re facing a Chiefs team that’s fielding a defensive back crew of Subway Sandwich artists and Fudrucker’s Grillmasters. So that means he’ll call 20 straight Melvin Gordon dives right up the middle. Chargers 20, Chiefs 17
Seattle Seahawks at Denver Broncos (-3, O/U 42.5)
The AFC West is there for the taking for the Denver Broncos. For their sake, let’s hope Case Keenum isn’t there for the giving with fumbles and interceptions. Broncos 29, Seahawks 23
Washington Redskins at Arizona Cardinals (-1, O/U 43.5)
I made my bold predictions on Facebook and Twitter on Thursday. One of them, No. 3 in fact, was that Sam Bradford would start all 16 games for the Cardinals and make the Pro Bowl. And yes, this is the one time in this article I’m not joking. Cardinals 31, Redskins 30
Dallas Cowboys at Carolina Panthers (-3, O/U 42.5)
This is the best game no one is talking about with the two best teams everyone is completely ignoring. This is the Gennady Golovkin vs Canelo Alvarez of Week 1 and it’s getting less attention than Tiffany Trump on her birthday. Panthers 31, Cowboys 28
Sunday Night
Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-7.5, O/U 47.5)
If Aaron Rodgers owned the Bears any more thoroughly he’d be cited by the national parks department for mistreating an exotic pet. Packers 27, Bears 16
Monday Night
New York Jets at Detroit Lions (-6.5, O/U 45)
The Sam Darnold era begins in the early Monday Night game. He’ll officially be the youngest opening day starting quarterback in NFL history and the first to ever trade himself to another team on the franchise mode in Madden. Lions 33, Jets 20
Los Angeles Rams at Oakland Raiders (+4, O/U 47.5)
Jon Gruden, in just the last few days, traded away his best player in Khalil Mack and cut Martavis Bryant, acquired from the Steelers for a third round pick. I don’t think that’s how he drew it up in the QB Camp. Did he drop his coach’s clicker in the toilet? Rams 40, Raiders 17
This week
Straight up: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
Season
Straight up: 1-0
Against the spread: 1-0
